Stealthing: what it is and how it harms
by Aspen Ruhlin (they/them), Mabel Wadsworth Center Community Engagement Manager
Content warning: this blog post discusses stealthing, a form of sexual assault, along with sexual assault more broadly. This can understandably resurface memories of trauma for victims/survivors of sexual violence. We believe you. If you need support, you can call the folks at Rape Response Services (Penobscot and Piscataquis counties) or the Maine Coalition Against Sexual Assault (statewide) at 1-800-871-7741.
While stealthing is illegal and recognized as sexual assault in Maine and many other states, we want to begin by emphasizing that laws do not determine what does or doesn’t cause harm. Marital rape was not made illegal under federal US law until 1993–countless women were harmed by sexual violence in the confines of marriage long before the law recognized this harm. We give this context to say that protective laws are important, and that we live under a legal system that often does not protect victims and survivors of sexual violence. The legal system not protecting or defending someone who was harmed does not make that harm less real.
What is stealthing? This term refers to the stealthy (hence the name) removal of or tampering with a condom. Most often, this looks like someone stealthily removing a condom during sex without the consent of the other individual, but could include sneakily poking holes in a condom. This, of course, would not include a condom accidentally breaking during sex–accidents happen. It also would not include mutual agreement without coercion to not use a condom. Stealthing is rooted in intentional deception and violation of consent. Stealthing is sexual assault.
Consent to one activity is not consent to another. Consent to an activity one time is not ongoing, permanent consent. While our culture treats consent around sex as fraught and confusing, consent is something we all navigate, typically with ease, in our day-to-day lives completely unrelated to sex. Framing consent as tricky is dishonest, and serves to embolden and protect perpetrators of harm while silencing victims and survivors.
blockprint art courtesy of Aspen Ruhlin
Stealthing is sexual assault because it is intentionally deceiving someone who had consented to sex with a condom. Those who perpetrate stealthing know or think that the person they are having sex with would not consent to sex without a condom. They are knowingly changing the conditions of the agreed-upon sex act without the consent of the person they are having sex with. They know it is not consensual. If they were interested in honoring the consent and autonomy of the person they’re having sex with, they would ask about changing the conditions. They would ask if the person they’re having sex with would be open to sex without a condom, knowing the answer may be “no” and accepting that possibility.
While the research isn’t perfect, especially as this is a newer field of research and there’s an exclusive focus on cisgender individuals, data and research around stealthing are useful for better understanding the harm caused and the bigger picture. This piece published by the NIH reviews a range of studies on stealthing, with some research showing that over 80% of surveyed individuals recognize stealthing as sexual assault. Additionally, research has found that stealthing is just about exclusively perpetrated by (cis) men, with up to 43% of women and 19% of men who have sex with men being victims of stealthing at some point in their lives. Another study found that almost 10% of cis male respondents admitted to perpetrating stealthing. When looking at the harm caused by stealthing, research not only found unwanted pregnancy or STI risk, but psychological harm, with reports of feelings of disrespect, exploitation, violation, fearfulness, and anger. This, of course, isn’t surprising–sexual violence is absolutely disrespectful and exploitative.
There are a range of reasons that someone would perpetrate stealthing, but they are all connected by the common thread of entitlement. In some cases, reproductive coercion (in this context, forced pregnancy) may be the goal for the perpetrator. Reproductive coercion is a frighteningly common tactic within abusive relationships. Even in circumstances where pregnancy could be an outcome of nonconsensual condom removal, that isn’t always the goal of the person perpetrating stealthing. Oftentimes, the individual feels that sex without a condom is more pleasurable. Sometimes, they simply want to exert control by removing the condom, and thus, the consent of the person they’re having sex with. Regardless of the “why,” the root of stealthing is the same root as that of almost all sexual violence–entitlement. Perpetrators of sexual violence demonstrate a sense of entitlement over the body of another person as an object, rather than honoring the inherent autonomy of that other person and their inherent right to their own body.
The prevalence of stealthing under patriarchy makes sense–patriarchy teaches men entitlement in many spheres, including sex. When you believe that you have an inherent right to access someone’s body on your terms, not theirs, perpetration of stealthing and other forms of sexual violence are easy to justify.
Combatting stealthing and all forms of sexual violence requires a multifaceted approach. Consent-centered sex education that prioritizes the bodily autonomy of all people is one piece. Destigmatizing sex to create space for open dialogue around the kinds of sex people want to have, safer sex practices, and pleasure is another. The overarching piece needed to make long-term, systemic change, however, is the dismantling of patriarchy and the violence it permits. Sexual violence is not simply enacted by individuals–it is a systemic issue allowed and encouraged under patriarchy.
Victims and survivors of stealthing can struggle with the combined harms of being sexually assaulted and feeling as if what happened to them was not “serious enough to count,” a pervasive feeling for victims and survivors across the spectrum of sexual violence. Stealthing is recognized as sexual assault under Maine law, and our legal system allows for a civil path to justice (rather than solely a criminal one). Regardless of whether or not laws reflect harm inflicted and experienced, everyone deserves safety and to have their autonomy honored.