by: Eva Weitman
Eva Weitman is a former Mabel Wadsworth Center employee and current supporter.
A rollercoaster of a year has left me stronger than ever. A divorce, an abusive relationship, the unexpected death of my cat… all left me feeling hopeless. What I was looking for was someone nice I could find a connection with. What I have learned is that without accountability and regular communication, connection can be easily lost. (Re: “Everybody Business” by Kehlani).
In the hopes of trying something completely new and different, I reached out to an old friend who has always been sweet. I knew he was independent and driven and that’s what I see in myself. The connection was there. But before we even had intercourse, he asked to be “monogamous” or “exclusive”, or whatever word you want to use. I liked him and coming from my past monogamous relationships, that’s all I knew. I felt like we were on the same page.
But then I found myself, yet again, compromising myself for a cisman. Sitting and waiting for his attention, waiting on his timeline. I felt that I was not allowed to speak to other romantic interests because loyalty is important to me. And as we continued to sleep together the communication continued to diminish. The sex was good, but with the absence of communication, assumptions and expectations are all that can be left for judgement. (Re: “20 Something” by SZA).
I made time to talk, where we decided we wanted different things. We broke things off a week before a wedding we were going to attend together. I guess going to a wedding is a “big step” for some, but others? Not so much.
During that week, we still had some intimate encounters because I felt connected again once we communicated. We decided we didn’t need to be exclusive to still enjoy each other’s company. Then, a day before the wedding, I was personally asked by the bride to attend. She has been supportive in my rough patch, and I was honored to still be included. So I went alone. To find him there… with another date, unbeknownst to me. (Re: “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo).
Whatever the circumstances that brought him to make that decision, I am not a robot. Surprise, surprise, I was really hurt and took it personally. So, what does a scorned woman do when she feels disrespected? Find a hot sax player on the coast of Maine to have a steamy night or two with.
That did happen, and that was fun, but my hurt feelings did not go away. Sex does not equal feeling heard or valid. I still hadn’t talked to this person I spent months talking to daily. I felt silenced. So in response, I made a pointed, jaded, spited Instagram post in the name of sexual liberation for attention (the same reason anyone uses social media) and to my amazement, in less than a week, I raised almost $1,000 for my local independent abortion clinic. (Re: “Nightmare” by Halsey).
After the wedding, I was left feeling like a sexual object. I felt that was all I was seen for by this person I truly cared for on a deep level. I am completely comfortable with casual sex if there is communication. If you can make time to have sex, you can make time to talk. Both parties needs and expectations must be discussed. Advocate for yourself and ask if you feel your needs are being met. If not, do not compromise yourself. Validation starts from within. Sex can be good, but I have learned the best sex is when you feel most connected to yourself. You deserve the same effort you put in to be returned. (Re: “Say You’ll Be There” by Spice Girls).
I feel my faith in humankind has been restored due to the love and support I have received for my fundraiser.
From this experience, I have strengthened my boundaries and communication skills, as well as raised close to $1,000, more than the cost to cover the termination of an unwanted pregnancy, but I also lost a friend. I have learned that relationships can start with a strong foundation for communication, but without accountability and continuation of said communication, it doesn’t mean anything in the long run. No love is wasted and once again, I have gained strength from my heartache. (Re: “Thank You, Next” by Ariana Grande).
If you have ever found yourself in a similar confusing place while dating, check out this playlist of empowering, unapologetic artists that helped me get through it: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5UYE2SdSo7GWbn8IFZEVgL?si=2c32cefc9ae04190